Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
there is glitter all over my balls
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