You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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