i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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