u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
