I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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