Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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