He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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