I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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