you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
