i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
