I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
