Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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