a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
