If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
