I can text with my tongue
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
