you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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