i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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