Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She even gives head with a lisp.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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