just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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