Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
