During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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