lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
