You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
