In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
