would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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