whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
