dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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