No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
