i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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