Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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