I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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