it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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