bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize