I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
