My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
