Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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