I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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