I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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