he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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