I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Randomize
