Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dicks are not precious.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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