Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
