She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
high people should be assigned attendants
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize