I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He shit in the fireplace
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
