she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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