When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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