Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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