Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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