oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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