she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
