I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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