Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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