your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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