don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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