my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize