he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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