My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
