So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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