Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
